Monday, February 1, 2010

Heres What I know: Mixed Signals when you are dating

Have you ever wondered if you give mixed signals when you are dating?
Here's what I know:
With regard to calling after the date, it is better to say, "I will talk to you soon" as opposed to "I will talk to you tomorrow." Women take these type of statements very literally and they notice when that call doesn't come "tomorrow" but instead comes three days later. If you had said "I will call you soon" you would have gotten brownie points for the call three days later, but because you said "tomorrow" now you will be penalized for your efforts.
If you are not romantically interested in someone, then you shouldn't plan another date to see them. In the dating arena, people are not looking for "new friends", they are looking for relationships. If you ask someone out for another date or if you accept another date, the presumption is that there is romantic interest. Hence, if you are only going out again to be nice, don't do this because going under false pretenses is actually not "nice" at all. However, if you aren't certain as of yet how you feel about someone, it is okay to go out again and try to figure your feelings out; no one is expected to know instantaneously if someone is right for them for the long haul and sometimes it takes a few tries to figure that out.
Texting back and forth the next day implies romantic interest. If you are thinking that texting in a fun, back and forth way will morph you into instantaneous "friends", you are wrong. Any type of back and forth and fun banter makes the other person think you are interested in them and interested in seeing them for another date. If you are not, don't be in touch in that way. Friendship might be a possibility in the future, but not the day after the date.
Talking to your date about the other people you are dating while on the date gives a mixed message. Yes, when we were younger, trying to make the other person jealous and trying to make it seem like we were "oh so popular" with a very full dance cardwas very in vogue. However, today when you are an adult and looking for a real relationship, this is not the right way to entice and maintain interest from someone you are dating. It is understood in dating that you are not a shut-in and that you have and get asked on other dates, but it is also understood that it is not proper etiquette to talk about others on a date. If you talk about all your other dates on a date, your date will probably assume you aren't interested, so if you are, keep your active social life to yourself.
Kissing if you are not romantically interested in someone is a huge mixed signal. If you aren't romantically interested and you know that the other person is interested in you, go find your "nookie" somewhere else. If you make out with someone on a date, that person is going to expect to hear from you again and is going to expect that the two of you will be going out on another date. Why wouldn't he or she expect that? And keep in mind that even if the kiss was "just okay" the recipient is still going to expect another date because first date kisses always get "do-over" because of the awkwardness of the moment.
No kiss also gives a signal. If someone goes in for the kiss kill and you turn your cheek, turn away or greet them with sealed lips, even out of nervousness, this will imply that you are not romantically interested. If you were actually interested in the person and sent the wrong signal by accident, you need to let the person know asap. Perhaps the next day, send a text and be cute, "had fun last night, looking forward to trying that "end part" again. :)". The best way to clarify a mixed signal is to give a clear signal or at least a signal that has a hintof clarity!
Women pay attention to what a guysays more than what he does even though we all know thatactions speak louder than words. Translation: If you say you are going to do something like invite her to go out with your friends this weekend , even if you don't actually ever mention it again, she is still going to fixate more on the fact that you said it and then didn't do it rather than just the fact that you didn't do it
Samantha Daniels is a well known Professional Matchmaker, President of Samantha's Table Matchmaking and the author of Matchbook: The Diary of a Modern Day Matchmaker (Simon & Schuster).
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  1. This is probably the best advice I've seen for women, by a woman. I agree 100%. Here are a few other things from a male point of view, but I'm "normal" and am not the typical bad boy so take it for what it's worth:

    -Just as you would not like it if a guy were going on a date with you but was seeing someone else, or REALLY interested in someone else, if you are in that same boat, don't accept a date with a guy who asks you out. It's not really fair to either party.

    -Just as women tend to like masculine guys, most normal straight guys typically like feminine girls. Girls with tats, beer bellies, huge drinking habits, short hair and finger nails that are chewed off, are not appealing.

    -Girls who use profane language and stick up their middle finger at others in public just isn't all that sexy to most guys.

    -Regarding online dating, profiles with four letter words, lists of all your dislikes and must haves and pictures with you and another guy are not something that will get a normal guy to gain interest in you.

    -While it's cool in theory that a girl may like a professional sports team and follow sports in general, being obsessed with sports or wearing team hats and jerseys isn't really a turn on...unless of course you're wearing a jersey of our favorite team/player in pink colors (ala Jessica Simpson's Cowboy's jersey), with little else, is a major turn on.

    -It's 2010, so if you like a guy, at least make some sort of effort to let him know that. We're not mind readers. Also, asking a guy out is ok too. Even traditional guys as myself wouldn't mind a girl doing the asking. We're not too crazy about getting rejected either, but if you want equal rights....act like equals.