Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Here's what I know... Sometimes friends cross the line with your boyfriend.

Have you ever watched in wonderment as one of your female friends crosses the line with the guy you are dating?

Here's what I know...

(1) You need to be honest with yourself and decide if you are an overly jealous and sensitive person or if it is obvious that your friend is crossing the line.

(2) It would be appropriate for your friend to say hello to him at a party and having a 2 to 5 minute conversation with him. It would be inappropriate for her to corner him for 30 minutes with her "come hither" eyes batting away.

(3) It would be appropriate for her to include him on a group email or an email to both of you. It would be inappropriate for her to email him directly and asking him a question about the two of you that she could have just as easily asked you directly.

(4) It would be appropriate for her to let him buy her a drink. It would be inappropriate for her to assume that she is "his second girlfriend" and that he will buy her dinner every time you all go out.

(5) If you do have a friend who is crossing the line in this area, you need to think about whether she is really your friend, your frenemy or just after your guy.

(6) If you think that your friend is crossing the line and you are not certain that she is doing it on purpose, have a conversation with her. She might learn something about proper behaviour and you might save a friendship.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Here's what I know... there is a lid for every pot

Do you ever feel like what you are looking for in a relationship is so much deeper than what most people can handle?

Here's what I know...

(1) You are not alone; many people feel like there are very few people who really understand them.

(2) There are people out there that want to have a very deep relationship, you just need to keep on the look out for them and not settle for someone who isn't of your caliber.

(3) It usually takes a person who has had some drama, loss or difficulties in their life to make someone want to have a deeper relationship. If you are dating Mr Happy Go Lucky, it is probably going to be difficult to get him to understand you.

(4) Not everyone is for everyone. You need to find who is right for you, not obsess over who isn't.

(5) You need to make room for the possibility that someone can catch up to you in desiring a deep relationship; you just need to give them the time and the space to try.

(6) You need to be open to understanding someone else's definition of a deep relationship and see if perhaps the two of you can find a happy medium.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Here's what I know... Girls still want a polite and gallant guy.

Have you been wondering if chivalry is dead?

Here's what I know...

1. Polite is polite- you don't have to be over the top like standing up every time she goes to the bathroom, but basic politeness goes a long way.

2. Girls notice if you open her car door for her or just head straight to the driver's side.

3. Girls notice if you allow her to go through the door to a restaurant first or if you plow through.

4. Girls notice if you buy a drink for her friend as well as her when you are trying to impress her.

5. Girls notice if you offer to go with her to help her get her towed car instead of just saying good luck.

6. There are men out there who are still very chivalrous- girls notice them, remember them and like them. Why not be one of those guys?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Here's what I know.. You need to marry "a man."

Have you ever thought to yourself that you just wish he could step up and be a man?

Here's what I know...

(1) Men mature more slowly than women do. This is a fact.

(2) Men don't really get "it" unless they haven't experienced "it" in quite the same way as you have.

(3) Men who have never real been in love, don't really understand what love is and you need to figure out how to teach them or the relationship is doomed.

(4) Flirting and game playing is fun and good foreplay, but in order to get into a real relationship there has to be more than that.

(5) Men who are very surface and do not even try to dig deeper are not for you. The man you are going to marry is going to get down and dirty with you.

(6) Men who can't handle real raw emotions and a little drama are not for you. You need a guy who will cry with you, want to listen to everything about you and want to really understand all there is to know.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Here's what I know...The "break-it off conversation" is difficult.

Did you ever notice that a "break if off" conversation never goes the way you want it to?

Here's what I know...

(1) There are two sides to every story and during a break it off conversation those sides are usually very different.

(2) It is very difficult to not get defensive during a conversation of this nature and if you did get defensive, you shouldn't feel badly, the other person knows why you acted that way.

(3) If you wanted to say that you were sorry and to ask nicely for a second chance and you didn't because your pride got in the way, you can always say that now. If you were with a good person,they should be willing to listen.

(4) Break ups are very rarely final the first time around. If someone cared about you enough to be in it with you and then to break it off with you instead of just blowing you off, then that person should be willing to explore, at least once, if there is still something there or if there is a way to rectify, simplify or alter things.

(5) Even if your feelings got hurt by the person's honesty and you had that "stinging" feeling, try to learn from what they said and effect positive change in your life.

(6) If you think there was a miscommunication or you were judged unfairly or incorrectly, re-open the dialogue and calmly try to explain how you are feeling. If you were with a good person, they should be willing to listen and explore.

(7) If someone cuts you off at the knees and gives you no wiggle room at all, you should be wondering about their ability to connect and their desire to be in a good and communicative relationship because no one's perfect and those that can't realize that all humans have some flaws will go out on hundreds of date and have trouble ending up with someone long term.

PS- Maybe go rent The Break Up with Vince Vaughn and Jen Aniston, so you can add a little comic relief to the situation!

Monday, March 23, 2009

Here's what I know... Slow and steady wins the race.

Didn't you used to think that the only person you could fall in love with was the person who you have this instantaneous, "I need to see you every minute of every day" attraction to?

Here's what I know...

(1) Relationships that start off fast and furiously almost always crash and burn.

(2) Slow and steady relationships might just be slow and steady, but if you think about all the time you have wasted dating people who are wrong for you, isn't it worth it to give time to a slow and steady one that has real potential?

(3) Fast and furious relationships almost always have a sexual component too quickly. Sex should be sacred, especially with the person you are going to marry. It's okay if you wait a bit to do it. And it's a good sign if both people think that way.

(4) Most married people you will talk to will tell you that the dating they did with their spouse was different from any other relationship they had ever had. Most will tell you that they weren't exactly sure in the beginning, but there were ingredients there that made them stick around and build something substantial.

(5) If someone is crazy about you and thinks you are terrific before they know you are terrific, you should be suspicious.

(6) Fast and furious relationships go full speed ahead without looking at if two people have the building blocks for a solid relationship- respect for each other, laughter, similar intelligence and similar values. Then once the excitement wears off a bit, most people will realize that those key ingredients were not there, and the relationship will crash and burn.

(7) A slow and steady relationship should not scare you, it should excite you. There is something to be said for a relationship that stays its course and where you learn something new and different about the person all the time. It takes time to build the right relationship.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Here's what I know...Everyone has that one day they want a "do-over"

Have you ever woken up and said to yourself, how did I get here and can I reverse this?"

Here's what I know...

(1) Everyone has those days that they feel like they want to wake up from this bad dream and go back to when everything was normal. Everyone has those days where they say to themselves "if only I had taken the earlier train, hadn't brought him to a certain function, acted differently, appreciated him more, thought before I spoke, etc, etc, etc!"

(2) Some things you can change, somethings you can't. You can't make yourself 25 again, but you can change your current situation or ask for a second chance.

(3) You need to learn from your mistakes and think about what you can do differently right now and going forward so you can change a bad pattern or a pattern you are not happy with.

(4) Admitting you have an issue and that you have some work to do is the first step in making positive change.

(5) If a person in your life is a good person and had feelings for you, they should be willing to give you at least one chance to show that you are different and can change. If they will not, they aren't worthy of you.

(6) You need to be thankful for what you have right now and what you have accomplished thus far and that will give you the strength to go forward and make things better than ever!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Here's what I know... If you get invited, you go!

Do you sometimes feel like you would rather just sit home alone and watch TV, rather than be disappointed in a social setting yet again?

Here's what I know...

(1) My grandmother always told me that "if you get invited, you go because you never know who you are going to meet." These words are on the second page of my book, Matchbook: The Diary of a Modern-Day Matchmaker (Simon & Schuster) and are words to live by.

(2) If you think about it, each time you actually do leave the house, something does happen. You might not meet the man of your dreams or your wife but you might run into an old friend, make a new and interesting business contact, or just have a good laugh.

(3) If you do leave the house, make sure you do it with positive energy; otherwise you are sabotaging things before you even leave.

(4) Pick chatty, outgoing people with whom to surround yourself. These people are connectors, and they attract people in their direction; you will reap the benefits.

(5) Keep in mind that every day is different. The last four Friday nights might have been busts, but this does not necessarily mean that this Friday night will be.

(6)Let's say tonight is the night that you are going to meet "your" guy. How are you going to meet him if you don't leave the house?

(7) Get excited about the idea of possibilities. Unpredictability is what keeps life exciting!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Here's what I know... Dating a complex person is complex

Are you always attracted and intrigued by multi-dimensional, complex people and does this scare you and excite you at the same time?

Here's what I know...

(1) It can be challenging to date a complex person but if you are a person who gets bored easily, is entrepreneurial or is an overachiever, you need to be with a person of this nature.

(2) Life is long, so people need to be with someone who can be their partner, who understands their need to private time and space, who challenges them, makes them think, bolsters their ego, makes them laugh and helps them to not take things so seriously. If you don't have those ingredients in a relationship, it will not last.

(3) Complex people have lots of layers- it might take you awhile to penetrate all of their layers but when you do, it is usually worth it. Complex people are usually like that chocolate candy with the cherry on the inside; you need to take a real bite to get to all that sweetness but once you have found it, boyyyyy does it taste good!

(4) Complex people tend to have their guard up in the beginning until they feel completely secure in a relationship, but once they put it down, it's usually full speed ahead in a very direct and easy way.

(5) Complex people are highly adaptable because they are thinkers. If you express to them how you feel, what you think or why something bothers you, they will usually take time to process this and move forward accordingly.

(6) Complex people are not always what they appear to be. They are very selective about letting people into their inner circle, and that inner circle is the best place for you to get to know the real them. Getting into that inner circle can take little longer than with other people, but almost always, it is worth the wait.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Here's what I know...Connections are rare, so you need to fight for them

Did you ever notice how these days, people are so willing to throw in the towel at the first sign of controversy?

Here's what I know...

(1) Connections are rare and shouldn't be taken lightly. If you like the essence of a person, then you shouldn't let small and maybe, workable things get in the way of special feelings because those feelings don't come everyday. If you liked someone well enough to put time and energy into being with them, you should equally be willing to have an open and honest dialog about the circumstances and see if there are little adjustments that can be made to fix an issue before throwing in the towel.

(2) No one is a mind reader, so if you have an issue with someone, you need to verbalize how you are feeling and make sure you are not misjudging the circumstances before you walk away, otherwise the other person won't know or be able explain themselves. And then after you have that conversation, you need to take the time to see how your honesty might have affected the other person because perhaps a little communication will prove to make your interaction very different. Sometimes people can readily make modifications just by understanding what works and what doesn't work for the other person.

(3) Sometimes you need to look deeper and figure out why a person might be acting a certain way. Could it be a defense mechanism because they are feeling a little scared or feeling insecure in a particular circumstance? Could it be that they are trying to impress you and get upset when when something doesn't go perfectly? Could it be that they are subconsciously testing you to see if you will walk away at the first sign of something ugly? Often times someones behaviour has to do with underlying feelings and once a person feels really safe and loved they will let their guard down and "behave."

(4) Keep in mind that just because you and your beau deal with some circumstances differently, this does not mean you can't be together. No two people will be exactly the same and you might be surprised that when the two of you are together as a unit, your different approaches and your different ways of looking at things might mesh well it if you communicate about the differences and if you give yourselves the opportunity to make this discovery.

(5) You should try not to impose your experiences from other situations onto your current situation. Keep in mind that just because you tried working through something with another person and it didn't work out, doesn't mean that you won't have a different outcome in another situation. Every couples' interactive dynamic is different; some people need the opportunity to listen to issues and try to work through them instead of just being told, "this can't work".

6) Keep in mind that if you walk away from a circumstance without at least one attempt to see if you can work through an issue, you will always wonder if you made a mistake and if that person was actually "the one." What is one attempt in the grand scheme of things? What is one benefit of the doubt? After all, how great would it be if that one attempt produces the relationship you really want?

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Here's what I know...You should feel good about the relationship you are in.

Have you been thinking to yourself that there is no way that your dating situation should be making you feel so down in the dumps?

Here's what I know...

(1) When you are dating someone, you should not have to negotiate phone time or face time. They should not be able to get enough of you, all the time. And visa versa.

(2) When you are dating someone, they should want to do little sweet things for you, this might things that are as simple as planning a fun night, sending you a sweet text message or bring you one Hershey kiss but there needs to be that desire to make you feel happy and loved. And visa versa.

(3) When you are dating someone, they should want to show you off to everyone and should not have excuses as to why you can't come places all the time. And visa versa.

(4) When you are dating someone, speaking of the future, whether it's next weekend or next year should not cause a panic or a fight.

(5) When you are dating someone and you have reached "that point", you should be having sex and a lot of it. If there are excuses in this category, there is a problem.

(6) When you are dating someone, they should constantly be finding you to to be so funny, so witty and so attractive. If they don't, it's just a matter of time before they end it. And visa versa.

Here's what I know...If you have to ask if your relationship is working, you know the answer.

Have you ever noticed that when you know deep down that a dating situation is not working out that it always turns out that you are right?

Here's what I know...

(1) Deep down, we all know how it feels when things are not working. The key is to listen to what you know and walk away when you know the truth.

(2) Relationships are work but they shouldn't be a full time job. If things are harder than they are easy, it's time to look elsewhere.

(3) If you spent all last night looking for that one friend who will dissect your current dating situation exactly the way you want it to be because all your other friends have told you he's a jerk, you need to ditch the lying friend and trust your real friends because they are only looking out for your best interests.

(4) You need to access the deep recesses of your brain and remember a time when you were in a relationship that was working- how happy you were, how loved you felt, how easy it was- and then if you are not having these same feelings now, move on.

(5) It's not just women who have good intuition, it's people. If you know deep down that you are just make excuses for this person and for this pathetic situation you are calling your relationship, phone a friend, get some Ben and Jerry's and say Hasta La Vista, baby!

(6) You deserve to be with someone who loves you, respects you and wants to spend lots of time with you. If you are not getting these most basic things, it's time to go a' fishin!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Here's what I know... People will sacrifice everything to get their chance at love

Did you watch the Bachelor last night and wonder in disbelief why Jason would allow everyone in the world to think he is a jerk and why Molly would take Jason back after everything, in the end?

Here's what I know...

(1) Women want the fairytale and the dream and are willing to endure anything ,even their Prince turning into a world class jerk on national TV.

2) Women will forget that a guy broke up with them or treated them crappy when the guy comes back and says the words she was waiting to hear... "I love you" and "I want to be with you." (Molly, like any woman, went to sleep every night for the 6 weeks after her rejection by Jason praying that she would wake up from this nightmare and be back to when Jason loved her and didn't pick Melissa over her. She then arrived to the "After the Rose" episode and got her wish, so of course she said yes right away.)

3) Women don't care as much about their pride as men do. They will even be humiliated on national TV, if it means getting their man.

(4) It was okay that Jason realized that he wants to be with Molly but what was really crappy was that he had to do the breakup w Melissa on TV. Why?

(5) Even men get caught up in the idea of marriage or why else would Jason had proposed at the final rose ceremony instead of just saying in a an "unprecedented Bachelor moment" that he had genuine feelings for both and wanted to continue to date them each one and come to the "After the Final Rose" show 6 weeks later and pick his bride?

(6) It is possible to be in love with two people at the same time for different reasons however in the end you need to listen to your heart when picking "the One."

Monday, March 2, 2009

Here's what I know... Men approach a certain "type" of girl at a bar

Did you ever wonder why some women get hit on in a bar or at a party while other do not?

Here's what I know...

(1) Most men think that they approach a woman because of her looks, but most of time that is just a small part of it, that is the initial draw only.

(2) Men actually wind up being "attracted attracted" to the energy or essence of the woman and many things factor into this, not just looks.

(3) Often times, a man will initially approach a group of girls because one girl in particular caught his eye. However personality and energy can change that dynamic very quickly, so always let him see your good side.

(4) Men like women who smile- this makes them glow. Men are not drawn to negative sour pusses at all. You need to believe this and if you are feeling negative, you are better off staying home.

(5) Men like women who have welcoming energy. Most men get nervous about the approach- they are afraid of getting rejected so it's much easier to approach an approachable woman.

(6) Men like women who play a little hard to get by acting a little mysterious and a little aloof but as a woman you need to know how far to take it. There is a big difference between flirty aloof and just plain bitchy and negative.

PS... Check out another blog that I really like called Single-ish. It's written by Erin Meanley of Glamour Magazine.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Here's what I know... Women pay attention to patterns of behaviour

Did you ever notice that women keep track of everything specific thing that goes on in a dating situation and men remember things more generally.

Here's what I know...

(1) Women pay attention to every little thing that happens when she is dating and she microanalyzes all of it with her friends. She knows she shouldn't do this because this is always when "her crazy" starts to rear it's ugly head, but most women can't help it.

(2) As soon as a woman "likes likes" a guy, she gets nervous that it's all going to blow up, and is constantly searching for the slightest little thing that might alert her to the fact that things are going awry, so she can be mentally prepared. When the patterns stay constant, this keeps her calm.

(3) The most common thing a woman will microanalyze is a man's pattern of behaviour- he wrote long flowing emails all last week and only one word answers this week or he made sure to ask me out 6 days in advance last week, but this week it was only the day before and then try to make the change mean "something."

(4) Immediately when a pattern of behaviour changes, a woman believes that you have changed how you feel about her and has a hard time believing that you couldn't call her or email her for 24 hours because you were crazed at work or you didn't call her when you got home from a guy's night because you passed alone, not with a bodacious blond!

(5) Women tend to keep their pattern of behaviour observations to themselves and to their "council of friends" until they can't take it anymore and then they will hit you with "the laundry list" which will always scare the crap out of you because most days, you can't remember if you put on clean socks.

(6) If you like a girl, try to stay consistent with her and if you need to change your behaviour for legitimate reasons, just clue her in. "Just wanted to let you know that I have a presentation on Friday so I won't be able to see you for the next few nights." "I am going out with my derelict college buddies, who I only see one time a year, and I will probably get wasted and pass out." Or "I am not a big sleep-over during the week guy, but I can learn." Communication can save her a lot of anxiety and save you from a big unnecessary blow-up!