Tuesday, April 3, 2007

The Break-up or the Blow-off?

You go out on a few dates. You decide, "she's not for you, you are not attracted to him." And then comes the hard part, do you blow her off, just never call her again and leave her wondering why? Or Do you call him and tell him you are blowing him off? And if you do call her to tell her you are blowing her off, do you tell her the truth as to why or do you tell her a little white lie, the old, "its not you, its me" line to spare her feelings. Let me tell you, every dater out there grapples over this very question.

And the truth is there is no right answer, some people want to be blown off face to face or phone to phone because they want to know for sure that it's over. They don't want to be wondering day after day if they might hear from you one more time. But others, well others, they prefer to "take the hint", you don't call, obviously you aren't interested. And a lot of people don't want to be rejected to their face. What I have heard as a matchmaker is that if there were a guarantee that the face to face blow off would incorporate the truth as to why, they would choose to hear it. However, if the blow off is just going to be some lame excuse, they would rather not hear it.

Here are some break up rules....

1. If you are going to do the face to face break up, you need to do it within one week of the last time you saw the person. You can't let four weeks pass and then decide to log in a call out of guilt. Chances are the person has moved on and doesn't want a break up call just to assuage your guilt.

2. Only consider doing the face to face break-up if you are dating someone who can handle it. Don't reject someone face to face who has low self esteem and who might "lose it" from being rejected.

3. Keep in mind that "it's not you, it's me" is the oldest excuse in the book and the person you are breaking up with might not let you off the hook on that excuse.

4. If you break up face to face, be prepared for the person you are breaking up with to ask you the real reason why and if they ask, out of respect you should tell them.

5. If you are a guy breaking up with a woman, don't EVER say that the reason you are breaking up with her has to do with her looks or her body even if this the case. No woman wants to hear this or can handle hearing this. Don't do it!

6. If you are a woman, breaking up with a man, don't EVER say that the reason you are breaking up with him has to do with the size of his "you know what" or his performance in bed, he cannot handle hearing this! Don't do it.

7. If you are vacillating over to break up or to blow off, err on the blow off, its easier for most people to handle.


  1. I don't like white lies . I think the fact is fact. I ever wrote on tallfriends.com that love disappears but leaving friendship.I just need the truth. You don't love me , but aslo don't cheat me.

  2. I've wondered the samehing, and it comes down to this: If you blow someone off, then once they confront you later on, they say "all you had to do is pick up the phone and call me." Well I don't believe that because when you pick up the phone and call, it becomes a battle, and feelings are still hurt and it's still uncomfortable. At least when you're blown off , or blow someone off, you can both head in different directions without all the drama. If someone was really into you, they wouldn't blow you off so hopefully they get the picture.

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  4. It depends how many times you've seen them, and, of course, if you've slept together. Generally, if you havent done the sex thing, I think whatever you want within reason is ok. If you have slept together, especially more than once or over a period of time, then an explanation is more necessary. I find that the explanation is truthfully usually when it comes right down to it, the same thing: I just dont have enough of that physical/emotional/chemical attraction that I like to feel. And if they say, well give it time, maybe it will come, that's true and it sometimes does, but the decision of when not to give it more time is personal, a person's own, and to try to badger someone into giving it more time may be natural if you've become attached, but is a little controlling, isnt it?
    and the better you take it, the more likely they may consider they've made a mistake, no?
    Also, sometimes the reason someone doesnt give that break-up speech is because they're not sure and want to keep their options open to change their mind as time goes on, and if your partner asks what's going on, it's ok to tell them exactly that, I think. Not wanting to see someone again at the moment is generally not a good sign, but sometimes people change their minds, and, again, the better you handle it the more they might think that you're someone they might like to be with. And if they dont, it wasnt meant to be, was it?
    One of my stories I write is about a guy that has almost every woman attracted to him. That's what guys want, but you have to be careful what you wish for, as you might get it.

  5. When is ok to tell someone you are not interested anymore?
    Dating is so hard because im always afraid to commit.

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  6. This is a great post. When it comes to dating i think that there are a number of rules that people should or should not apply.

    With that said, from my experience you can usually tell if a guy is blowing you off when he stops calling as frequently and then just stops calling at all

    Its your job to wake up,smell the roses and see that your being thrown in the trash can.

    Hot Alpha Female


  7. No, you don't have to lie.
    but it is only decent to allow the one you are breaking up with to keep his self-respect and dignity.
    He is already in a vulnerable position since you are the one initiating the break-up, but one should always be fair; even if some criticism might be justified.

    After all, what you give is what you get.. ;)