Should you throw in your towel for a "maybe"?

In our 20's, deciding if we liked someone romantically was easy. It was yes or no, period. No "deliberating", no "maybe he can grow on me,", it was just yes or no. But in our 30's, things change dramatically. There are a whole lot of maybes. Maybe he will get more interesting, maybe he will get better in bed, maybe Viagra could make his you know what bigger, maybe he would make a good father, maybe I can teach him not to be a selfish pig. Like I said, there are a whole lot of maybes.

Are maybes bad? Not necessarily- they mean you are giving someone a chance, opening up your horizons, loosening your list of must haves, growing up. But is it possible that you might say maybe just too many times with this particular guy? Is it possible that you want to be in a relationship so badly that you are pretty much overlooking everything?

Relationships are hard and no one is perfect but someone who you choose to spend the rest of your life with should have a lot of yeses, very few nos and just a couple of maybes. If you base your whole relationship on a maybe, you are never going to know if the relationship can work until it is too late.

So don't wait six months to sleep with him because he has small hands and you are worried that his you know what is going to be microscopic; take a look/see now and see just how bad it is FOR YOU, it might not be so bad.

And don't wait six months to tell him that he becomes a rude bastard when he is drinking, tell him now and see if he can curb his drinking or curb his mouth.

And don't wait six months to ask him what he really does for work, ask him now because if he doesn't have a real job or doesn't make any money to speak of, you need to decide now if you are in a mental and economic place to support yourself, your future children and him.

Then, if some of your maybes become flat out "no's", do the right thing for yourself and move on. Contrary to what some people might tell you, what you see right now, is what you are going to get.

So make sure that you want it, all of it. Otherwise you are just throwing in that "single towel" upon which you have held onto so closely for a maybe, and we all know deep down what a maybe really means.

Love at first site?

Do you believe in love at first site? Is it possible for you to meet someone when you are a child, have a momentary infatuation and then end up together much later on?? Can there be that one person who you met for just a moment in time, two ships passing in the night who is your intended?

I will tell you why I am asking...

I have the cutest niece; everyone, even little boys who are supposed to think girls have cooties, thinks she is adorable. Well, yesterday, we were out to lunch at a place called Christopher's, a super kid-friendly restaurant in the burbs of Philadelphia, you know the type of place- all the placements are coloring book pages, there are crayons on the tables and every kid gets a balloon upon entry. Well, needless to say, there were a lot of kids there especially on the day after Thanksgiving when no schools are in session.

We sat down at a table next to another family and right away, my three year niece started flirting with the boy sitting at the table next to ours. Yup, she was flirting, batting her eyes and giggling a lot (yes, she takes after her aunt!) I might not have been so fascinated with their flirtation except for the fact that the boy wasn't 3 like my niece is, he was much older, he had to be at least 8 years old, a young man! And he was so taken with my 3 year old niece.

They chatted for the next little while, mostly with the little boy teasing my niece and asking her questions. We discovered that the family was from Vermont, they were visiting their relatives in Philadelphia for Thanksgiving and that the boy was 10. We teased him that 10 might be a little old for a 3 year old, but he immediately retorted that his parents were 7 years apart as well.

Then, I, being the perma-matchmaker, made a joke that, perhaps, in 7 years, he could return to our neighborhood, go to college here and date our precocious niece when he was 18 and she was 11. He seemed to like this idea and reassured us that right after lunch, they were going to go on a campus tour!

Then, I told my niece to ask him his name which she did and to her utter glee, his name was Jack, the same name as her new 3 months old baby brother! The big Jack got a kick out of this coincidence as well because he told us that his dad had the same name as his mom's brother, whereby insinuating that if he and my niece ended up together, they would be just like his parents- 7 years apart and with the same ironic name game combination!

The meal ended and to both big Jack and my niece's disappointment, Jack and his family took their leave. Jack said goodbye to my niece and to us and walked off with his family. On the way out the door, I saw him glance back one more time, for that one last glance.

It made me wonder...maybe my niece and Jack had that chance encounter, that one moment that we are all waiting for our whole lives and maybe they didn't even know it. Big Jack was joking around but maybe he knew something without even knowing it, that he met his girl! Maybe somehow he just felt that pull towards my niece and felt that some time, far off in the future they would meet again, somehow, someway and remember the baby talk at Christopher's on the day after Thanksgiving.

Perhaps we all met "him" or "her" when we were young and carefree and don't even realize it. Perhaps our boyfriends or husbands were in our lives in the past and are intended to come back around when the time is right. Perhaps...

I believe in fate. Do you?

He loves me, he loves me not...

It's first thing Thanksgiving morning, you turn on your phone and a text comes streaming in from "the ex". You know, the one you still kind of like, the one with whom you still kind of hold out hope that something might happen, the one who you are not over. Yup, that ex.

When you see his name on the screen, your heart skips a beat, you wake all the way up, and you get a little giddy. You want to open it and not open all at once. You start imagining what he wrote. You are hopeful that it is some version of "I still love you, miss you, want you, please take me back."

Perhaps he was reflecting on his life on this holiday and he realized that he can't live without you. Perhaps he missed you when he went to see the balloons last night since that was your tradition with him and now he desperately wants you back. Perhaps his mother told him that you were so much better than the current whore, I mean girl in his life and he is begging you to be his girlfriend again. Perhaps.

You slowly push open the text. It says, "Happy Tgiving. Hope you have a happy relaxing holiday. :)"

Disappointment washes over you. No begging, no confessions, no realizations, not even a flirty word or a question. And then that awful smiley face that used to be an "xo" when you were dating!

Quickly you start rationalizing. It is such an innocuous text, but... he has to be thinking of you at least a little bit or he wouldn't have sent it, right?

But then you start wondering if a person can text a mass Thanksgiving greeting and if you were just one of the masses. You look at the text again to see if it went out to more people than just you.

And then you rationalize again; it couldn't be a mass text because on a mass text all the recipients get listed or at least you think they do. No, it was for you personally. Definitely.

Now, you start obsessing over what to write back. He didn't end the text with a question so he wasn't really expecting an answer, but it would be rude not to answer, right? You could just write "You too!" with that same smiley face you hate, but what would that accomplish... nothing!

You want to engage him in dialogue. However, he didn't seem to want to engage you in dialogue; he didn't ask you any questions or anything, just a well wish. But... maybe he was a little nervous to reach out to you period which was why he made his text so innocuous; yes that's what it must be! Definitely.

You call one of your friends, the one who labors with you over all the texts and emails you send out to the "guys in play." You analyze it with her. She's not sure-- some contact is better than no contact, but a question at the end of the text would have been more promising, more personal.

You ask her if you just shouldn't write him back. She answers, "probably not" too rapidly. You start rationalizing, in all different directions. She quickly changes her response to "well, maybe respond casually" while chuckling to herself as she realizes that you were never really asking her for her opinion; you just wanted her to tell you to text him.

After the 30 minute back and forth obsession, the two of you settle on "Happy Thanksgiving to you too" How's the fam? :)"

You type it, you erase it, you type it again. And then you push send but immediately regret sending anything at all. Self doubt creeps in. Maybe he is going to be bothered by your intrusion of his thanksgiving lunch. Maybe he is going to be annoyed to hear from you because his text was really to everyone and somehow he figured out how to BCC on texts. But mostly you are scared that you just won't hear back from him at all and then you will have the answer that you want the least.

You leave for your thanksgiving dinner, half laughing at yourself and what a girl you are because you know deep down that the text was just a impulsive whim on his part which he probably gave less than one second of thought whereas you spent the whole day spiraling over it!

If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck...

Here's the scenario-

Guy meets girl. Likes her. Asks her out. Calls her the very next day.

Girl returns phonecall and gets recording, "Phone is out of service." Girl texts guy to tell him phone is out of service.

One minute later, guy calls girl. She asks about his phone and he says he lost it, getting a new one in the morning. She asks how he knew she had just called, if he lost his phone. Guys says, he didn't, it was just fate. Girls thinks to herself, "corny answer, seems too coincidental," but she wants to believe it; after all she really wants a boyfriend.

Next night, they get together for drinks. Guess what? He has his old phone with him with the crack across the front. She remarks that she thought he lost his phone. He said that he remembered where he left it and picked it up this morning. Again, odd coincidence, but she wants to believe, after all, it's the holiday season and someone to cuddle with would be nice.

Guy and girl schedule second date. Guy texts her morning of the date to confirm. Girl confirms and says let's talk at end of the day. Guy calls at end of the day and they decide to get together between 7:30 and 8. Guy is going to make reservation and text girl what time he will pick her up.
7:30 comes, no call, no text.

8pm comes, no call, no text

8:20, girl texts him... "Hey, I am ready... you ready? :)" No reply.

9pm, girl calls him... "Hey, no pressure but its 9pm, and you had said you wanted to get together between 7:30 and 8, just wanted to check in and see if we are still on, make sure your plans didn't change. Call me."

No call.... all night! Girl was fully stood up.

Of course by 11 am, she is insisting to at least 6 of her girlfriends that something awful must have happened to him because no human being, no socially adept adult would just stand someone up for no good reason. She is sure there will be an excellent explanation and she believes this because after all she really wants a boyfriend

Girl goes to sleep.

11 am the next day, 4 text messages... "So sorry, I was watching football waiting for our date and my phone disappeared. We searched the entire bar, I couldn't find it. I was furious. I didn't have your number because it was on the phone. We finally found it at the end of the night in a pile of napkins that the busboy picked up but it was too late to call you. I will make it up to you"

Girl is laughing- this is what he is going to go with?- the lost phone again?? Two times in one week? Pleasssse. What happened to that horrible thing that was supposed to have happened to him??? She has some dignity, a little. No reply to guy.

Guy sends flowers and apologizes again. She takes his call, the yellow roses were nice. Girl is direct, tells him that she thinks he is married. Guy says not at all. It is all true. Guy asks girl to give him one more chance.

Girl, deep down thinks something is off but she wants to believe him, after all, it's Thanksgiving and she really does want a boyfriend, even if he does lose his phone, or not, alot!

Girl gives guy one more chance..tonight...

I am wondering if he will have his phone!

Only in NY?- 59 and 27!

Question- is it only in NY that a 59 year old divorced man who definitely looks his age thinks he is entitled to have a 27 yr old girl for his girlfriend? Or is it more of a NY or LA thing? Or a big city thing?

All I know is that in most places 59 year old men are becoming grandpas, not dating their granddaughters! What would be wrong with a 59 year old man dating, say a woman who is 35, let alone someone in her 40's????

But 27? Really, 27? Come on...

I personally think that the blame lies with the the 20 something year olds who date and have sex with the 59 year old doped up on Viagra guy. Am I right? If these girls could just said "No" when Grandpa comes a' knockin with promises of jewels and bonbons, then these men would have no choice but to "settle" for dating older, more age appropriate women. And then... perhaps... "the dating ecosystem" would begin to be restored.

Probably wishful thinking, huh, since we do live in the Big Apple and girls here do love their bonbons!!

The married guy or the 22 year old?

Question- Do you think that it would be better for two 30-something single girls, who might be looking for a little action or at least a date, to spend their time chatting with two married guys, or two 22 year olds?

I agree- the 22 year olds sound like they hold more promise. However, if I told you that the 22 year olds wanted to go do some "recreational drugs" in the hotel room that their trust fund parents rented for them for the night so they wouldn't have to venture out into the cold after a charity event taking place in the very same venue;who would you pick for the 30-somethings now?

I agree maybe the married guys. But... if these are the options for these 30-somethings on a cool pre-winter, winter night, then perhaps the recreational drug route might not be such a bad idea to numb the pain of "how did this become my life" existence!

Ughhh! The trials and tribulations of dating in NY!

"Sup"?!

Just a thought... If you had to guess whether or not a 30-something single girl would want a guy who she just started dating and hadn't heard from in several days to text her at 11 o clock at night and just write one word to her, "Sup", what would you guess??

I mean what the hell does"Sup" mean anyway? Does this guy think he is some hip-hop, gangster guy and he is trying to say "What's up" not just as "Whassup?" but now even cooler?

Hello... how about considering your audience- a 30-something single girl, living on the upper east side, who wears Jimmy Choos and DVF-does he really think that this girl would relate to, appreciate or understand the word "Sup"?! Especially at 11pm at night, especially when she was hoping for a litle more encouragement!

What is he stuck in a 50 cent video?

Ever heard of... "Hey, how are you?" Ever heard of plain old "Hi." Girls aren't so picky these days; they just wants words they can find in Websters. Remember Websters?

Hmmm... just a thought.

A thought... The lone guy in the corner

I went to a party last night; it was one of those "fashion" parties at the Brooks Brothers store on 44th St. It was sponsored by Town and Country magazine and was for Ovarian cancer research. Beautiful party, such a pretty store, good food, but somehow they forgot to invite men. In terms of the ratio of women to men, without exaggeration, probably 90 women to every 1 man; typical of these fashion parties.

And the irony of all ironies, I noticed this one guy, very handsome and well dressed, no ring and no apparent affectation, sitting on a chair, in the corner, reading the Town and Country magazine, ALONE, even with his odds stacked SO high for meeting a woman. He literally was just sitting alone. My first thought- he's gay; it would make sense considering that he was so well dressed and at a party with almost all women. My second thought, he's in a relationship/married and his girlfriend is mingling and he is sitting waiting for her, sort of like a man does when he's dragged shoe shopping at Barneys on the weekend. My third thought- maybe he's available and overwhelmed by all the ladies.

So... this made me wonder... do men actually get intimidated when they are surrounded by SO many women??? I always thought that men are like kids in the candy store and they want so many women to choose from- but is there a time or a number when so many is too many? For example, if a man had 5 to choose from, could he handle that, but 97, would that just be too many???

And then, what about the women- if they are at a party of this sort with very few men, do they just write off their chances of meeting a man that night? Or could it be that meeting that one hot guy might even be easier in a circumstance like last night- where he was alone and available for the taking???

Yet given this backdrop, lonely boy (to coin Gossip girl) was still all alone; he didn't approach and no one approached him. It was a crazy notion, especially because he was really handsome. So... I did what any self respecting matchmaker and sociable person could possibly do... I approached him.

Sure enough- fully single, not gay, double Ivy educated, good job, philanthropic, runs the marathon and most importantly, so happy to have been approached.

Moral of the story... just say hi to the lone guy in the corner... you never know!

Dating 101: How to Be a Total Man-Magnet (reprinted from Cosmo magazine)

Dating 101: How to Be a Total Man-Magnet

By Christie Griffin for Cosmopolitan

Do you ever go out sometimes and feel like guys aren't giving you the attention you deserve, and you can't figure out why? That used to happen to me too. Then I became a part-time "wingwoman" -- a girl who helps guys meet chicks by posing as the guys' platonic female friend. (Wingwoman services are available in many cities, including New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Dallas, Miami, and St. Louis.)
While earning my wings, I learned lots of little tricks every single girl can use to improve her dating success with guys. Warning: Once you perfect these moves, you might find that you're such a powerful man-magnet, you attract guys everywhere. I used to date a guy who asked me out at the ATM!
More Dating Articles from Cosmopolitan:
The Trick to Meeting Guys
Decode His Body Language
Dating tip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three. Larger groups of girls are supertough (read: intimidating) to approach. Three is a good number because your two friends can keep each other company when a guy walks up to chat with you.
Dating tip #3: Smile genuinely. So obvious, right? But I can't stress it enough -- and I can't believe I ever acted aloof in an attempt to seem more cool. Now I know that women smile all the time naturally (when we're nervous, when we're trying to be polite, etc.), so if you don't do it at all, you look unapproachable.
Dating tip #4: Work the eye contact. To reel him in from across the room, tilt your chin down a bit and flash him a couple of sultry glances. (Guys love it when you look up at them -- it makes them feel manly.) If the guy across the room is so gorgeous you have a hard time looking straight at him and are simply too nervous, fake it by focusing on the tiny area right between his eyes. He won't be able to tell the difference.
Dating tip #5: Don't immediately ask him what he does. Some men think all women are gold diggers. A lot of my clients hated being asked what their job is. It's that fear-of-being-used thing again.
Dating tip #6: Make positive small talk. Once I started studying other women, I couldn't believe how negative some of us appear. When you're out on the town, you're supposed to be having fun, and any complaint ("It's hot in here!"), pessimism ("There will definitely be another terrorist attack"), or snarky quip ("Look at that chick's belt -- so 2002!") pretty much pokes a hole in the fun-girl aura you should be projecting. Some better small-talk topics: recent vacations, favorite bands, hilarious movies. You can hit him with your deep, dark world-view some other time.
Reprinted with permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.