Wednesday, December 21, 2005
“Samantha, I had the strangest but most annoying thing happen this morning. Out of the blue, I got an email from a guy who I went on a few dates with. I hadn’t heard from him in over a week, so I assumed that things were done and then this morning, he sent me an email that said that he didn’t think we were a match romantically and he just wanted to let me know. I thought the note was so bizarre- it’s been 7 days, I get it, we’re done. And truthfully, I didn’t want to go out with him again anyway, but why would this idiot send me this unsolicited email a week later? It seems so odd!”
Ahhh, “the break it off email”- a new but very in-vogue thing to do these days. I have been hearing a lot about them recently. I agree the concept of it is just bizarre. Of course you know that “it’s just not happening” when you haven’t heard from a guy in over a week, because to you as a girl, a week is tooo long for a guy to wait to get back in touch with you if he is interested in you. But to a guy, a week isn’t so long- sometimes guy purposely wait a week to “pace” things, and unfortunately a lot of women rationalize and make this behavior be okay so a lot of men think a week is not too long.
It seems that the guy in question as many guys do, somehow thought that our girl might be sitting in her house waiting for the phone to ring with his caller id on it. And he was feeling oh so guilty about that, so he decided that he would put her out of your misery, remove the suspense that he thought “must have been killing her” and let her know that he isn’t interested. Little did he know or even consider that she wasn’t really interested either. So, he probably in his own “male ego” way was trying to be nice, thoughtful even. Some girls might appreciate the honesty, though most girls would tell him to go shove it, that he wasn’t so cute or interesting anyway, right?
So, why all of a sudden this advent of the “break it off note”? I dare say email is the culprit. It used to be that we communicated by phone which meant that if you wanted to do the break it off, you risked getting the person live when you called and then having to get into a whole “why didn’t you like me, what’s wrong with me conversation” So most men, just blew girls off without explanation because most men are chicken and hate nothing more than the sappy relationship conversations especially with someone who they are not really having a full on relationship with. But then, a lot of times, these guys got yelled at by friends for their callousness and sometimes they even got yelled at by the girl in a public place the next time they ran into each other. And then the guys felt guilty and agreed that they could have been nicer, let the girl down easier, and been more polite.
So now fast forward to today and email. This jerky guy who emailed our girl this morning was upfront and honest and provided our girl with closure, closure she might not have gotten in previous times. Of course, now that we have gotten guys to break in off with us politely, we don’t want that either. Because now, our girl is wondering why- why didn’t he want to go out again, why didn’t he see them as a romantic match, what did she do wrong, should she email you back and ask him these questions, etc, etc, etc.…. Yesterday our girl just thought of this guy as a mediocre guy with bad teeth, scraggly nails and a high pitched girly sounding voice who she wasn’t interested in ever seeing again and totally fine with that notion. Yesterday our girl was fine with the blow off because she didn’t have to think about it, it wasn’t verbalized on her computer screen But now today she is obsessing about him because of his email, she didn’t need, want or ask for the rejection, especially from a guy who she thought was pretty much of a dork to begin with.
This is a woman for you- she craves information yet she hates information, she likes to analyze yet she hates analyzing. So men…. I am not sure what to tell you- you can write the blew off note and she will hate you for it and think you are loser and a jerk or you can not write the note and just blow her off and she will still think you are a loser and jerk.
Posted by Missmatchblog at 12:20 PM
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
When Harry met Sally-
Probably one of the quintessential relationship movies of our time. Why? Because it gives us ultimate hope that best friends can actually end up together and get married. When I think back on that movie I wonder to myself- was it that Harry and Sally were such the perfect couple or was it a case of being lonely at the holidays and turning to your best friend. I know reducing the theme of the movie to a timing issue takes all the romance out of it, but I need to ask the question. Is it possible, probable even that they both just woke up on that one morning and realized that they couldn’t be without each other? Absolutely. But as we approach New Year’s 2005 most of us can relate to the other possibility that perhaps their feelings of loneliness that the holiday season brings were so strong that they just went for it because the timing was right. Perhaps Harry and Sally were just feeling what a lot of us feel in December, alone, sad and desirous of sharing the holiday season with someone, or at very least, desirous of kissing someone on New Years.
For those of you who have forgotten the specifics of the movie---
Harry and Sally hated each other at first glance. She was a bookish, high maintenance, pain in the ass kind of girl; very proper when it came to dating and she took her salad dressing on the side. Harry, on the other hand, was a dog of a guy, he slept with random women, whispered sweet nothings in their ears if it meant scoring a date or a love making session and did everything on the fly. There could not have been two more opposite people. But then they find themselves sharing a cross country drive and of course, the close proximity to each other in the automobile makes each one of them warm up to the other. They arrive at their destination and say goodbye and good luck.
Some time goes by and they run into each other, feel that feeling of “it’s so great to see and catch up with an old friend” and determine that they should become best friends. So starts a series of, “let’s watch an old movie in our pajamas, let’s grab Chinese food on Sunday night, let’s be each other’s backup date for annoying obligatory functions and let’s set each other up with each other’s best friend”. Well, as a proper romance movie goes- when they set each other up with each other’s best friend, of course, Harry and Sally themselves are connecting better with each other than their friends are connecting with them, And , Harry and Sally are “completely clueless” to this. And of course, their friends fall in love and get married, all the while hoping that Harry and Sally will wake up, smell the coffee realize they are in love and then the two couples can head off into “our kids are best friends and we go on every vacation together” land.
As the movie continues, Harry and Sally remain oblivious, however they both begin to hate on site anyone that the other dates, and chalking that dislike up to thinking that such person is not good enough for their best friend. Unrecognized jealousy continues to flair up and in a pivotal crying scene where Sally has been broken up with and is convinced that she will be alone forever, the kiss between the two ensues and they wind up in bed, finally!
Then starts the normal relationship banter and discord because as the producers never let us forget, Harry and Sally are really polar opposites. Eventually they break up, maybe out of fear, maybe out of dislike, it’s unclear. But we as viewers know that there are still feelings there. And then the crescendo comes on New years eve when each one is alone, feeling particularly suicidal, that they get back together and decide to live happily ever after. End of movie.
Yes, very romantic, very feel good, very ‘we all want that to happen with our best opposite sex friend who knows us so well already and who has already seen us with Clearasil on our face”. But how often does the friend to lover conversion really work? We all want it to work, but does it?
If you are looking to make that conversion here are some words of advice….
Do go for it during the holiday season, meaning right now- people are most vulnerable right now, looking to be with someone right now and looking not to be alone.
If you can’t do it right now, second best time, in January. It’s a New Year, people are looking to try new things, people remember that they were alone and sad on New Year’s Eve and in most parts of the country, people are friggin freezing and would love someone to cuddle with.
Do just go for it; don’t do the whole big discussion thing. If you guys talk about it, and analyze it, you will talk yourselves out of it. Just go for it, and discuss later. Trust me.
Have a plan of how you are going to go for it. Make sure liquor is in the mix- liquor will give you the courage you need. You might think you are ready to cross the line but in that one moment when its time to do it, you will feel chicken, the booze will help.
Make sure that on the night that you plan to cross the line, that there is no talk of other men or women, no talk of ex’s. Definitely play up the two of yours connection, do something that the two of you really enjoy doing together. Set the mood.
Make sure you look good when you are going for it. Not too good where the other person will notice and wonder why, but good enough that when they come up from that first kiss they will see someone who looks really pretty.
Be prepared to go for it on a whim as well. Even the best laid plans can sometimes backfire. If you see your opportunity, and it feels right, abort plan and go for it, this might be your chance.
Be prepared for rejection- he or she might say no, he or she might not be having those cross over feelings like you have. This is another reason why having alcohol in the mix is good. This way, if the plan backfires, you can blame it all on your inebriated state.
Don’t not go for it because you are afraid it will ruin the friendship. Keep in mind that statistically more than 70% of guy/girl friendships are curtailed and expunged from reality as soon as the guy marries another woman, Women are very territorial. Once they get the ring, they tend to clean house of platonic opposite sex friends. So keep in mind that your days in his or her life might be numbered, so why not see what happens.
It worked for Harry and Sally after all!
Posted by Missmatchblog at 12:14 PM
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
The day after the first kiss or the first fool around.
I am starting to think that the guy can do no right.
If he calls immediately and asks for plans that next night, the girl often times gets scared or freaked out. If he waits, she gets furious “I can’t believe he didn’t call, we kissed!” And if they get into an email exchange, she spends the whole day thinking about why they are emailing and if there is any significance to the fact that its email and not phone. She wonders if there a number of emails that implies that he really likes her as opposed to likes her just a little bit. She wonders if this his way of slowing down the situation, etc.
Ughhhhh…. Guys are complaining to me about this and girls, well girls just freak out about it daily.
So here is some guidance for the guys…
If you liked her and she seemed to like you as well, the best thing you can do is lob in a call on the day after. The two of you kissed or fooled around, you took a step, and it’s lame to wait.
If you the kissing was awkward but you like her nonetheless, you need to call the day after as well, act like nothing is wrong and schedule another date. The "elephant is on the table" already, no need to discuss the issue just yet.
If you cannot call the day after for some reason, send an email, make it cute and sweet, and keep in mind that she is analyzing every word of it, again and again and again.
Remember that even though the two of you mashed for two plus hours last night, this morning, the morning after, although she is feeling really excited, she is also feeling pretty insecure at the same time. She is thinking that it was too good to be true, she is thinking you might run because the two of you got so intense last night and she is remembering that the last thing you saw when you were leaving was her streaked make-up face. Translation, tread lightly, the day after, she needs reassurance.
Ways to give reassurance-
Open your email with “Hi sexy” or can’t stop thinking about you, etc. Something sweet, something complimentary, she needs it. Even if that is not you, per se, she needs it, so give it to her.
Ask for another plan. Even if that plan needs to be a week off from today, still ask for it and apologize that you need to wait so long. A girl would rather you bring up the plans now for a date faraway then say nothing and leave her wondering why
Tell her you had fun last night. Even though it should be clear to her that you had fun, tell her anyway, she wants to hear it.
Interchanges that will freak her out
One word email answers to her emails (She will wonder why your prose aren’t flowing and she will forget that you are this super busy exec at work who barely has time to go to the restroom, let alone go on and on in emails.)
Waiting hours at a time between emails to respondl. (She will wonder if you are getting scared and trying to put distance between the two of you)
Cutting the email exchange short by saying- I will speak to you later or have a good night. (These phrases feel like dismissals to a woman. You might think you are just being normal and polite but she doesn’t interpret it that way. She just keeps playing it over and over again in her head “He told me to have a good night? What does that mean? Why can’t he call me and say that? What is he doing tonight? Why doesn’t he suggest plans with me if we had so much fun last night? Does he kiss a lot of girls like he kissed me? Is this a game to him? Etc, etc, etc. - And yes she will have all this noise in her head over what you thought was an innocuous have a good night sentence! )
Like I said initially, guys, you can do no right. However, if you kissed her, you need to err on the side of sweet and interested or there will be hell to pay. Trust me, I am a Matchmaker, but I am also a girl!
Posted by Missmatchblog at 12:13 PM
Friday, December 9, 2005
Someone wrote this morning.... Samantha- what do you think about rebound relationships? I think I am having one. Can it work? Some guidance would be appreciated...
Hmmm, I hear you. I think we all have been in that kind of relationship but for those of you who might not be clear...
A rebound relationship is- it’s that relationship right after your heartbreak relationship with the one person who you were near obsessed with; its that relationship that is supposed to get you over the last one even though you know deep-down that nothing but time or killing yourself will really get you over it! Usually your rebound person will be a person who makes you feel really good about yourself because at that moment, you are feeling like real crap and your self esteem is in the toilet. Is a rebound relationship doomed? It might be. But it seems that alot of people don’t really care if the rebound is destined to fail because all they are looking for in the moment is a warm bed and some escape from their misery.
Let’s consider a couple that people are saying are in a rebound relationship--- Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn. Jennifer was heartbroken after Brad cheated on her with Angelina. Jennifer found solace in her friendship with Vince. Now they seem to be having more than a friendship. Is this a rebound relationship for her or the real McCoy?
Here are some questions you should ask yourself to help you figure out if your rebound relationship is just a rebound or if it has some legs for a longer lasting relationship
How much time has passed since your last relationship? If it ended yesterday, you probably aren’t in the proper mind set to fall in love again. (with Jen and Vince, a fair amount of time has passed since her breakup)
Do you have a real connection with this person and you really enjoy each other’s company or is the connection only sexual in nature? (Jen and Vince were friends first so the fact that they took it to the next level might suggest a real bond as opposed to a rebound situation)
Do you actually want to jump back into a relationship or are you just looking for help getting over the last one? (Jennifer has stated that she wants to be in a relationship, plus she didn’t end her relationship with Brad which would suggest that she likes being in relationships)
Were you thoughtful in your choice to get involved with this person or did you just go for the first person that presented him or herself to you in an easy way? (Jennifer and Vince spent a lot of time together on their movie so getting involved became easy, The future will tell us if they can stay together as they each go on to other things )
Realize that even if you are in a rebound relationship that this is okay too. Different relationships provide different things for us and if this one is so you can feel better and move into the present, remember you are entitled to one of those once in awhile.
If you are in a rebound relationship and you know that it has no future and you want to be in a relationship that does, in fact, have a future, put yourself on a time line- give your self a deadline for extricating yourself. Keep in mind that relationships, specifically fun and easy ones, have a way of dragging on and on, especially in the cold winter months. So if you really know in your heart of hearts that this one can never be, make sure you don't spend so much time in it that you deprive yourself of something else that could be real and sustain the test of time.
Posted by Missmatchblog at 2:27 PM
Thursday, December 8, 2005
Breaking news this morning- Nicole Richie and DJ “Adam” AM broke off their engagement!
I know you might not care- but its headline news everywhere and it fits with the blog, so I am going to comment a little. And...I think she has done “a bang up job of transforming herself into a classy and interesting young lady!” so she deserves a few words.
Up until today, this young impetuous couple seemed like they were going to make it to the altar. I guess “seemed” was the operative word.
So what happened? Nicole and Paris broke up, Paris replaced Nicole with the other Paris, and with Kimberly Stewart (Rod’s daughter) in her life (her new “BFF’) and she even tried to replace her in her TV show (she tried to get Fox to let Kimberly try the Simple Life) Then… Dumped and alone, Nicole gets herself a boyfriend and a very serious one, very quickly (“Bye bye Paris, I have moved on”- her actions implied) So Nicole got thin, got a boyfriend, got a stylist- and became sexy and refined and grown up.
But was her relationship grown up? Or was it really just a rebound from a best friend breakup and an attempt to keep up with the Joneses, I mean the Hiltons?
Let’s take a look- Adam is cool, Nicole likes cool, Adam is in the music business, Nicole is used to the music business. Adam seems to be the strong silent type, so was Lionel Richie, her dad. Adam was age appropriate for her, not many many years older like Lindsay Loan’s beau. Daddy Lionel liked him, that’s important to a Daddy’s girl and last but certainly not least, they seemed to have fun together.
However… they got engaged way too quickly (what is the rush at their age? Was it only to catch up with the Paris shenanigans?), they sort of embody the opposites attract theory- she is a fashionista, he wears jeans hanging off his ass, she is neat and tidy, he’s a bit of a slob, she loves posing for the paparazzi, he could care less.
So now they break it off- the tabloids want it to be because Nicole needs to be neck and neck with everything Paris does. So when Paris breaks off her engagement, the tabloids want us to think that of course it was only a matter of time until Nicole did the same thing. This explanation makes its all neat and tidy for the press and gives the comedians more fodder. However, I don’t think it was that at all. I think Nicole is way over Paris and their feud. I think plain and simple, no pun intended, Nicole is just coming into herself. She lost weight, she got beautiful, she got a TV deal with Fox and now she has a book out- it’s Nicole’s time now, she doesn’t need to be engaged and married unless it’s right, and apparently its not. The relationship just hit the nine month mark and a lot of couples actually call it quits right before that year mark- that mark is quite daunting and makes things seem really real.
I applaud the breakup and her nerve to do it- you know that she knows that every talk show host in America is going to be making fun of her and how her life parallels her nemesis’s life. So… now besides dealing with the breakup which even if she hates the guy, will take time, she also has to deal with that.
Posted by Missmatchblog at 1:32 PM
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
Samantha- I read what you wrote good advice. But…how do you know if it’s okay to broach New Years Eve delicately? I want to broach, I really do but I am afraid that I might not be entitled to broach or it might freak my guy out. And I think I like this one, for once. Help!
New Years eve… People get so worked up about it. Usually the most fun New Year eves are the ones that aren’t planned and wind up being spur of the moment and unexpected. Plus, it sucks when you have just met someone new in December. You are stuck in “in between land”. Let’s see... how to know if you can broach delicately…
Rules of thumb
If you have not been out with him at least 5 times, it is too soon to broach! I don’t care if each of your first two dates were 7 hours each and if you had mind blowing sex with him; it’s still too soon to bring anything up.
If you have not fooled around with him yet, it’s too soon too broach. A lingering kiss when he walks you home, is not fooling around, I am talking about the fooling around where most of your clothes end up on the floor.
If you have already sort of broached the subject and he hasn’t bit, do not broach again. The more you bring it up, the less chance he will ask you to spend New Years eve with him.
You need to try to understand your man. If he is the take charge, I need to do the asking type, don’t broach at all, he will broach if and when he wants to.
A scheming broaching technique- go out with some of your friends, and let one of them bring it up, then you are stuck in the conversation but you aren’t guilty for starting it. But make extra special certain that the friend you enlist to do the broaching for you, is cool about it, she needs to bring it up very innocently so he will never suspect that you put her up to it. Pick a self absorbed friend who will drone on and on about her own plans for the holidays and then as an afterthought turn to you guys and say what are you guys do for New Years. Again, only do this if you have been out with him more than 5 times, otherwise, it could be very awkward.
And last word of advice, if you are on the fence about whether or not you think you are in a situation that would allow for broaching, again pick a deadline date for when you bring the topic up, pick a date that is as far enough out in the distance to leave him room to broach on his own (because we know that men like to do the asking). And make sure you make that deadline date beforeDec 30- you are not being fair or respectful to yourself with a date one day before New Year's eve. I think that he asks by Christmas could be a fair unless another invitation comes up before then and then you need to use your best judgment.
Posted by Missmatchblog at 1:50 PM
Thursday, December 1, 2005
I got an email this morning…
“Samantha, The holidays are freaking me out. I just started dating this guy and I don’t know what to do about my New Years plans. A lot of my friends are planning trips and I would like to go (I certainly don’t want to be stuck home alone on the holidays). But if I commit to going and I am still with this guy, then I won’t be around to spend New Year Eve with him and that might ruin our relationship or he might wind up hooking up with someone other girl on that night. I am scared because guys always wind up randomly hooking up on New Year’s Eve if they aren’t with a girl. What should I do???”
I have been hearing about a lot of these New Year Eve freak-outs recently.
My advice- our writer is in a tough spot. I completely hear her when she says that she wants to go away with her friends so she is not left home alone and depressed. On the other hand, I also hear her when she says that she would like to spend New Years with her man if he is still her man at the end of the year.
What to do, what to do?
I feel some dos and don’ts coming forward….
Do go ahead and make your holiday plans. In my experience any time a girl changes her plans for a man or waits around for a man, nothing good comes out of it. The only time things continue to work out with someone you are dating is when you lead your life as you would like to and when you are confident in your choices.
Do make plans with a group, not just one friend if you decide to schedule the trip. This way if your guy entices you to cancel your plans and be with him, you won’t be leaving anyone in the lurch.
Do try to plan a trip that has some sort of cancellation provision if at all possible; this will quell your anxiety about being stuck with nonrefundable plans that you are dying to cancel if he actually asks you to be with him.
Do come up with a deadline date that if he hasn’t mentioned anything to you about New Year Eve that you will firm up your own plans. You do this so that you are not thinking about the decision every minute of every day. And this way, if he asks you for plans before your chosen deadline, that’s great, you can be with him if you would like to be. But if he doesn’t, you stick to the program and you tell him you already have nonrefundable plans. This way you will be respectful of yourself and won’t drive yourself crazy.
Do be confident in your relationship. If he really likes you, he will not cheat on you on New Years Eve even if you spend it apart.
Do realize that if you schedule your plans with friends that your guy could always join your group wherever you are headed.
Do try to broach the vacationing/New Years eve question, but do it very delicately, very delicately. Maybe say something like “My friend Michelle called and asked me if I wanted to go away with her to the Bahamas for Christmas week, do you think that sounds like fun.” This puts the topic on the table and gives him the opportunity to ask you if you would be back for New Years or for him to tell you outright that he was hoping to spend the holidays with you. If he doesn’t take the bait, don’t push him.
Remember New Years Eve is only one night and you don’t want to blow what could be a good slowly growing relationship over one overrated night.
Posted by Missmatchblog at 1:45 AM